As children, we learn fundamental trust as a completely normal developmental step. Fundamental trust is like a foundation for all later challenges in life. But how exactly does it manifest itself when you have fundamental trust? We don't need to know exactly why something is the way it is. A small child will always run to its mum when it is in pain or when it cries because it knows that it is in a safe haven with its mum. It would never occur to a child to run to the garage or the bathroom in the same situation. Fundamental trust simply tells us that something is the way it is. For example, nobody would doubt that the sun rises every morning. In English, the word trust is used, which also means basis or confidence.
Without trust, there would be no everyday life, because we don't even notice most of the factors in everyday life, they are simply always there and give our everyday life structure.
This gives us the space to fundamentally trust that we know the framework of life and that, as a rule, nothing will happen to us.
It is a trust in the good that is the rule rather than the exception.
This is also how all the insurance policies we take out in the course of our lives operate. Car insurance is only profitable because most drivers behave in such a way that nothing happens to them. If everyone drove riskily and disregarded all the rules, we would no longer be able to afford insurance.
By going through everyday life with a fundamental trust, we can concentrate on the essentials and can trust that everything will go its usual course.
On a physical level, we combine absolute security and self-love with fundamental trust. We feel safe and in good hands.
When we decide to start a family, we have no way of knowing at the time that anything could go wrong. We trust that it will work out normally because this is the normal process that we have been taught our whole lives. We always assume the normal case, not the exception. When things suddenly don't work out, this leads to uncertainty. We start to doubt whether we have overlooked something and whether we have done everything right.
This is usually accompanied by a feeling of injustice, because we didn't take into account that it wouldn't work out and now we suddenly have to include this factor in our calculations. We have relied on something that now doesn't materialise; it is the end of a deception - a disappointment. Disappointment also feels like being abandoned or at the mercy of others.
Many of my clients report that this disappointment has also made them more cautious in other areas of their lives. Suddenly they no longer dare to be really happy, because there might be another disappointment lurking around the corner. Trust in other people can also dwindle, which many also feel after failed relationships. If you were optimistic before, you now become more cautious and think twice about whether your own assessment of the situation is really plausible, because you have already been wrong once before. As a result, self-doubt arises because you are constantly questioning yourself and are never sure whether you have assessed a situation correctly when you previously approached new things so naively.
Even if the desire to have children works out at some point, the setbacks and losses suffered often leave a feeling that does not completely restore fundamental trust. Many of those affected therefore report that they were no longer the same person afterwards as they were before the infertility. A certain innocence or sometimes even naivety has disappeared.
The good news is that fundamental trust can be at least partially influenced in a positive way, or a loss of fundamental trust can be minimised. If we experience a moment in which we receive bad news again or suffer a setback, the following points can help:
Trust doesn't have to turn into mistrust. It helps to assess every situation anew and neutrally and to give it the chance to become a good one. A lot of this also has to do with the mindset, because having little or no trust is not the same as having mistrust in the first place. Because then we already trust that it won't work anyway. But when a situation turns bad, we realise soon enough. This is where the famous saying helps: If you take tomorrow's problems on board today, you can only go down. This has nothing to do with (overly) positive thinking, but simply with a net-neutral approach.
Make a cross-check with all the things that are currently working well, for example a stable partnership (that's what it is, because an unstable partnership usually means you don't dare embark on the journey of wanting children). This allows you to reassure yourself that one area may not be going well at the moment, but that many things are going well in the bigger picture and that there are constants in life that cannot be shaken even by a temporary crisis.
Self-focus: In difficult moments, you should focus your energy and be very close to yourself. There is no point in being on the outside and wasting your own strength, which you don't have, on other things. Concentrating on yourself and doing things that are good for you is the only way to find yourself again. We know ourselves best, which is why it is important in difficult moments to do things that we like and are good at, because we can trust in them and are more likely to come to terms with ourselves. You can imagine this as a caterpillar in a safe cocoon that doesn't leave its comfort zone for a while and wants to recharge its batteries in its closest environment.
Refrain from irrational explanations: When we have moments of greatest doubt, it is often natural to suddenly seek irrational answers because we no longer have any answers available to us in the rational world. It is not uncommon for women to suddenly think that they are under a curse or that other forces are preventing them from having a child. However, especially in moments of fear, we have good rational skills that can bring us back down to earth. Here it helps to find a counter-argument to every irrational thought. This practical exercise is more than just writing things down. As soon as we put a thought into words and then also write them down through a physical movement, they take on more weight and the bad thought (which of course we don't write down) is trumped.
Encourage social contact: Even if we sometimes want to be alone, socialising can help in moments of lacking fundamental trust. It is best to meet up with people you have trusted for many years, who can reflect back to you at this moment that many things have worked out and that the friendship itself is constant. Good friends know us well and can also bring us back from mental aberrations.
Even though fundamental trust can be shaken by experiencing a difficult time trying to conceive, this will not be as severe if you take this into account early on in your planning.
In almost all coaching sessions, I work with clients on scaling the problem of infertility and naming it as precisely as possible, because the clearer it becomes, the better it can be categorised. This task often goes on long after the time of infertility, but its effects are clearly recognisable and make each day easier than the one before.
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