When we talk about anniversaries, we usually only think of nice events. We celebrate Mother's Day, anniversaries with our partner, wedding anniversaries and so on.
But there are also the quiet anniversaries, the ones where there is nothing to celebrate. The ones that are just sad and you only think about them with grief - and yet you think about them.
Mothers who have lost a baby will always remember the planned delivery date or the date of the stillbirth. But afterwards there is no baby to celebrate the birthday with.
I still remember well the first time I was confronted with such a date. My first baby was due on September 26th. When I opened the page in the calendar with September 26 for the first time later that year, I was overcome with a huge wave of sadness. At first I didn't know what to do with this day. It was worst in the first year, as there was no birth on September 26, but it always remained a special day in the years that followed.
How should you deal with such days?
First of all, there is no perfect method and the best way to deal with it can also change over time. Nevertheless, it is important that we find the right way to deal with it - we are not accountable to anyone.
Grief is a very individual thing. There are women for whom a miscarriage is not a major event and who - fortunately for them - do not have to struggle very hard with it. In my experience, however, for the majority of women it is an incisive event that is not significantly different from the death of an older person. Each person grieves individually and is allowed to take the time he or she needs to do so - even if it lasts forever.
In general, I am a strong advocate of giving the little soul space. You may be too overwhelmed at first to consciously face such an event, but even many years later it can be healing to deal with it again and again.
The more space you give the stillborn child, the more processing can begin. If you can't deal with it on that particular day, then that's okay, because it can also be overwhelming. Maybe the right moment will come a few days later and then that's absolutely fine.
Experiencing an anniversary can also just mean taking a day off and simply doing something good for yourself.
In this linked article, you can find out how you can make your stillborn child's birthday a memorable one to cherish with love:
Same procedure every year
Another category of difficult days can be holidays such as Christmas or our own birthdays. On these days, you sometimes get the feeling that it's “another Christmas without a baby” and you're already anxious about the next year. Then there can be family gatherings, which are also not always easy to navigate through.
It has always helped me to defuse such dates in many ways. The bigger you celebrate your birthday, the more importance you attach to it and the more memorable the event becomes. However, if you spend your birthday like any other day and instead go out for a nice meal on a neutral day some time before or after, for example, you won't associate this nice experience with your birthday later on. There is always a reason to celebrate yourself for the strenuous journey anyway!
When it comes to family get-togethers, I can only say that far too often you attend for the sake of others, even if it's mentally harmful.
If you've just been through a negative treatment cycle, the last thing you need is an aunt coming around the corner with: “Naaaa, will there be three of you next Christmas?”. If it's not right for you to attend such an event, then you can cancel for your own good. Nothing - absolutely nothing - will happen because of it. People are always far too afraid of being ostracized by their families, but if such meetings make you uncomfortable, you are allowed to stay away.
Ultimately, the point is this: Many aunts, grannies and other relatives mean absolutely no harm when they make such comments. On the contrary, they would probably only wish us the best and can hardly wait until they hear the good news.
However, for women who suffer from infertility, such situations are pure stress and it is understandable and comprehensible that Aunt Gisela and Grandma Hildegard do not want to be informed in detail about all the treatment steps - should anyone ask for more information. Assuming that they only want the best for us, the best thing to do here is simply to spend time on your own and not expose yourself to any kind words that will only hurt you in the end.
When the walls come crashing down on you at Christmas or on your birthday:
Plan a vacation in a country where Christmas is not celebrated
Celebrate your birthday somewhere else too or a few days before/after
If you cancel a family event, you can craft a nice card for the aunts and uncles instead
Structure your days a little so that you don't fall into mourning on the sofa
If you need support in an individual situation, I will be happy to help you in a personal coaching session.
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