These are the moments when a (not so loved) office colleague joyfully announces her third pregnancy, moments when you secretly change the checkout queue because a woman in front of you is holding her newborn baby tightly in her arms while she puts the goods on the belt. It becomes even more difficult when a much-loved friend is suddenly pregnant. The longer you are in this loop, the more you only see bellies and buggies everywhere and you feel haunted by the topic.
It is an absolute taboo subject, but most people affected by infertility will have felt jealous of other mothers at some point. Jealousy is so awful in this context because it makes you feel twice as bad. You feel bad because you can't have a child, and you feel even worse because you almost do not wish it on someone else. You know that being jealous of someone because of a child is a bad thing. Nevertheless, these feelings are natural when you are handed something on a silver platter that you want so badly.
From my point of view, there are two types of jealousy. In some cases, people are jealous of others because they have or can do something that they themselves have achieved. This could be a nice house, a full bank account, speaking French well, being successful at work, etc. However, these people have often worked tirelessly to achieve their goals. If you put in the same effort, you would also achieve this goal. But if you don't want to do that, you can play the offended, and simply be envious. You want to achieve the same thing, but without the effort. As this is not possible, you feel resentment. However, this type of jealousy is not the issue here.
The other type of jealousy is one in which you have no chance of achieving what you want from the very beginning. It triggers a feeling of lack, which is deeply human. Feelings of lack are part of our survival instinct. This form is much more difficult to bear because you cannot influence the situation yourself. Jealousy of other mothers belongs in this category because it is not down to "doing something" whether you get pregnant or not.
Instead, a new pregnancy is presented to you as if it were the easiest thing in the world (which it sometimes actually is for these people). The jealousy arises because they often have no idea that something like getting pregnant can be difficult for others. This ease is then sometimes something that additionally provokes you as the person affected.
Personally, I had and still have trouble with mums who get all upset about their children, complain about how exhausting it all is and so on. Of course, life as a mum is often exhausting, but sometimes such complaints seem very small compared to the alternative of not being able to have children at all.
Often I would have gladly accepted any crying baby because that would still have been better than not having a baby at all.
Even today, I take a much more relaxed view of many things than those mums who didn't have to wait for their pregnancies or didn't suffer any losses.
This is by no means to imply that other mothers love their children less. Every mother has a unique relationship with her child. For those affected by infertility, however, it sometimes sounds like complaining on a high level when they make every effort to get pregnant and it still doesn't work out. To a certain extent, it is also envy of their freedom, of not having to undergo treatment, of being able to spend the money on something else, of simply being able to enjoy the pregnancies and so on. It is the envy of a life that is currently denied to you.
Here I have put together some ideas on how to deal with jealousy towards other mums:
1. don't expose yourself to certain situations in the first place, e.g. baby shower parties, baptisms, etc. You don't have to be present at every distant office colleague's baby shower.
2. think outside the box: it's normal to feel this way and you're not alone. Many people feel the same way.
3. if you are jealous of a pregnant friend - think of her in good moments, what other great things you have in common 4. realise that friend XY can't change anything about your situation, even if she wasn't pregnant
5. address the fact that someone else's pregnancy is difficult for you (there will be a separate post on this soon!)
6. imagine her entire life, including husband, house, job, etc. Would you still want to swap places with her?
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