From the moment you decide to start a family, a picture changes in your mind. You have made a conscious decision to go through life with one more little person. Perhaps this decision was preceded by other decisions that have something to do with it, or perhaps these follow during the process of wanting a child. In any case, from then on this little person is firmly anchored in our thoughts, because we assume that he or she will arrive at any moment.
Suddenly there is no turning back, because as soon as you want to realize your desire to have children, many other things change. You might look around for a bigger apartment, reduce your workload as a precaution or cancel your boxing training subscription in favor of a yoga class.
From that moment on, all your antennae are focused on the topic of babies, you suddenly see baby carriages everywhere, listen carefully when someone talks about teething problems and you look happily in the window of every baby store.
Maybe you're already thinking about whether the baby will be a boy or a girl and what it should be called. As a result, a precise profile of the new family member develops in our minds. We imagine what it will be like when it sits at the table with us, where the child seat will go in the car or how it will soon go to kindergarten.
But it doesn't happen.
Meanwhile, friends are already having their second or third child and their lives keep on turning. The children go from the baby carriage to kindergarten, school and so on. They go through all the phases and you even get jealous when the whole family has gastrointestinal problems again.
Your own condition is not visible to the outside world. It's like living with the handbrake on. The children's room has become a temporary office - for how long? Should you paint it in the same colors as the office for the time being or choose a children's wallpaper? It's hard to say what hurts more. Maybe you've already bought your first things, but they've been in the cupboard for longer and longer and are moving further and further to the back because you don't always want to look at them.
When I was trying to conceive, I accumulated a huge amount of material that still triggers ambivalent feelings in me today. I once started a diary for my future baby, which I stopped after about 10 (out of 31) failed fertility treatments because it hurt me too much. At some point I felt silly even writing something like that.
Since you also don't know when the baby will finally announce itself or whether it will come at all, this is one of the most difficult challenges of an infertility journey.
The imaginary baby is always there, the longer you wait, the closer it comes to everyday life. But the others can't see it.
My advice:
I am firmly convinced that space should be given to the dream baby, because if it is simply suppressed, the feeling associated with it will still somehow build up. However, it can be helpful to divide decisions from everyday life into as small packages as possible, without this having to contradict the desire to have a child.
If you want to use your room temporarily, you can give yourself a deadline for when you will decide whether to use it again. If you choose a period of six months, for example, you can still keep it as an office afterwards, or start redecorating in good time if a baby is on the way. This way, the decision to use the nursery temporarily may seem appropriate for the moment, but it won't hurt so much because it's only temporary.
In a personal coaching session, I can give you further advice that best suits your situation.
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