When things just don't want to work out with the pregnancy, we often receive well-intentioned advice from outside, along the lines of: “You just have to think positively”, or we look for a strategy ourselves and tell ourselves that everything will be fine, according to the motto “Everything will be ok in the end".
In this article, I would like to show you the difference between toxic positivity and optimism, as the former only causes us more stress than it benefits us.
If we constantly tell ourselves - regardless of the circumstances - that we just need to think positively enough and then pregnancy will happen, this causes some difficulties. Positive thinking at all costs is characterized as follows:
Negative feelings are completely suppressed and not admitted
Everything must have a positive effect
We automatically expect a positive outcome at the end
If this doesn't happen, we just haven't thought positively enough
We think that we can only control something through positive thinking
Negative aspects such as medical restrictions are neglected
Positive thinking is seen as the only solution
Everything is reduced to our attitude, other factors are ignored
It's not surprising that this causes enormous stress, because if you don't get pregnant, you immediately feel that you haven't thought positively enough. Having to deal with an infertility in everyday life is already a huge challenge and it is normal for this to be mentally difficult at times. At a time like this, you are not in a position to simply think positively and ignore everything else. But if you don't succeed, you blame yourself even more. This is why toxic positivity (also from others) is not beneficial.
Optimism
Optimism, on the other hand, simply means that you have a positive attitude towards life. In terms of our topic, this means that you are basically trying to get pregnant, that you think pregnancy is possible (or more possible than not possible) and that you are prepared to deal with the issue. Sounds a lot more relaxed, doesn't it?
Assessing a situation optimistically means the following:
You have a positive attitude and face up to the challenges
No preconceived expectations are formulated
Difficulties are addressed and not denied, e.g. medical restrictions
Things are put into perspective, e.g. opportunities and risks
Personal strengths are identified and placed in the spotlight, e.g. that you are strong enough to embark on this journey, that you have a stable partnership, etc.
You see yourself as a whole
Worries are shared and problems are divided into smaller packages, making it easier to deal with them
The situation is assessed realistically
Bad days are accepted and endured instead of suppressed
Everything's okay in the end?
The saying “Everything will be ok in the endl” is suitable for schmaltzy Rosamunde Pilcher films, but is also a saying of toxic positivity. Of course it's a load off your mind when you finally get pregnant and the long-awaited baby finally arrives. Nevertheless, the period of infertility is hardly ever simply forgotten. You have experienced enormous restrictions over a long period of time, setbacks, losses, negative messages, financial losses and perhaps even the loss of friends. These are serious changes in life and personality. Many of those affected report that with or after the infertility they lacked the basic confidence that they had always had before. The issue pushes you to your limits and sometimes beyond, just as other people experience extreme situations in their lives. This can be the sudden loss of a loved one, going to war or similar extraordinary experiences. These are firmly imprinted in our lives and are not simply forgotten from one day to the next. They often leave their mark, sometimes even a post-traumatic stress disorder. That's why “all's well that ends well” is an enormous trivialization that never does justice to the outcome.
This last chapter will soon be subject to a separate article as well.
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