Would you say to a disabled person in a wheelchair: "Just relax and you'll be able to walk again"? Probably not, because many people would consider this to be offensive and distasteful. But in the same way, this advice is given to people who suffer from an infertility problem.
"Just relax..." is probably by far the most common and at the same time most inappropriate piece of advice you receive (unsolicited) from those around you if you have been trying to get pregnant for a while.
Many fertility coaching programmes are also implicitly based on this advice, as you should simply relax by meditating frequently, doing yoga, etc.
Change of scene
You are lying on an examination chair in a brightly lit surgery room with tiled walls and three or four people are buzzing around you, all looking between your legs and concentrating on what problem they will discover next. They are wearing surgical caps and face masks and you can't even tell them apart. You can feel them poking around somewhere in your abdomen and it might even be painful, but it's unpleasant on its own. And you're supposed to relax?
You can only get angry at such well-meant advice. Firstly, it is a paradox to be able to relax intentionally. You can be tense or not tense, but there is no such thing as an increase in not being tense, so "relaxing more" is not possible.
This advice is often followed by a story along the lines of: "My neighbour also tried to get pregnant for a long time and when she stopped trying, it worked". Yes, there are stories like that, often in films too. But the problem is that there are 99 other cases where it still doesn't work even after not thinking about it anymore, but nobody talks about that.
If there are medical restrictions, e.g. blocked fallopian tubes or poor sperm quality, it is a mockery to simply advise someone to relax, as this will not solve the problem. Added to this are stresses such as financial difficulties, frequent treatment appointments, physical complaints and much more. You can't "just" relax.
Instead, it is important to recognise that infertility is a diagnosis like any other that deserves its space. It is just as okay to have physical discomfort because of it, just like someone who is in a wheelchair or has other limitations. It's also okay to feel bad or uncomfortable. Because not being able to have a baby is also a limitation. You can't weigh up diagnoses against each other - each one is bad in itself, because an individual has to live with it.
Instead of focussing on relaxation, I always advise people to praise themselves for their efforts instead. We should be proud of all the efforts we put in to have our dream baby. This may be easier for others out there, but we take every step in our stride and none is too bad. We deserve huge praise for all the hardships we endure, all the things we do without and all the stairs we climb with great strength. This is an outstanding achievement that others are not even aware of. One day we will be able to tell our baby about the journey we have undertaken to finally get to know them.
We can discuss how you can respond to inappropriate comments in a coaching session. You are at the centre of this, because you need to feel better and be helped. That's why we work out and practise responses together that will best help you in such a situation.
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